Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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