So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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