So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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