When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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