The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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