Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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