I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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