Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
It was confusing and full of hummus
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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