god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
