I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize