When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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