My sheets look like a crime scene.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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