I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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