Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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