Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
