mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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