You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
