i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Randomize
