I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
