I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
