Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
