Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
