The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
