i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
