my mouth tastes like poor choices
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
