Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
