Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
