matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
