So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
