I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize