I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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