if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
