It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
