So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
