bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
