i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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