I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
