I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
