Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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