peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
