good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
