i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
