i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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