Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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