And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
You are the jesus of drinking
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
