I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
We left an ass print on the piano.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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