what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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