Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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