I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
