i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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