If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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