kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
