Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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