You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
