He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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