I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
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