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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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