In America we eat man semen.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Randomize
